Daydream

This can't be healthy. You have left and made it clear that you and I are no more.
That you will not be there anymore. I guess i was in a major denial and just let it roll off my back.

Because i still daydream. You and me, together and content. We get along so well. You are my ying and I am your yang.
We live in an apartment. I work and you work and go to school. We'd eventually have a child together. We are happy. You take good care
of our little family. And i take good care of you. I'm your loyal, loving and understanding wife. You are the good, sensitive and compassionate husband.

I still wish you were with me. I just know we fit like matching pieces of a puzzle. I just don't know how to make you realize that.

Charmed

 
My fate was sealed that day you came to town.
I was to fall for you. It’s hard not to.
You landed at the crack of dawn. Of course I was an hour late. But you were patiently waiting at the aeropuerto. My stomach was in knots the whole time. Well, the whole night and the whole morning and the whole day. Well to be perfectly honest, it was more, the whole 3 nights and four days that we were together, my tummy was in knots.
 
I saw you saw me. It was sort of funny and awkward at the same time.
You extended your hand to shake mine. And I extended mine to meet yours but once you held it you hugged me. You said ‘that was a joke! Here’
 
And you had a camera in your hands too!!! Snapping pictures!!! I think you were so nervous you had to do something with your hands and so you keep taking pix. Which I thought was odd. I felt a little weird. But we started laughing and talking and eventually the awkwardness and the shocked of finally meeting dissipated. It was replaced by I should say, joy.
 
We went on our way. Dropped off your luggage at the ‘home base’ and decided we needed to eat breakfast. It’s gonna be a day full of walking and getting to know each other more. I still could not believe my eyes. You actually made good on your promise that you were
gonna come and visit me. That you would fly all of the 3414.4 km that separated us.
 
I brought you to the little mom and pops greasy spoon breakfast nook near the ‘home base’. You were so tall and your legs were so long that sitting across from each other our knees were constantly brushing against each other. There was a spark all right, all 500 volts of it.
 
I don’t remember what we talked about but you kept staring at me. I think that was because you couldn’t believe you flew, on your own to meet me. And that I actually exist. And that you are having breakfast with me.
 
You were overwhelmingly charming and nice.
 
I showed you around town. We ate ice cream and chocolate and hot dogs. Things I would NOT normally eat in a span of one day. And you took more pix. Later that day we took the bus to the wonderful Niagara falls. But as luck would have it, the 2 hour ride became 4. we were stuck in traffic for the longest time and I fell in and out of consciousness a few times. I guess because I was very tired I ended up on your shoulder. You were like a statue, you didn’t move at all if I was remembering it right. But one thing I remembered—I couldn’t say if I dreamt it or if it was indeed true- was I felt as if someone kissed  my forehead, ever so slightly. Like a wind that barely touched my skin. Much much much later on, I’m talking months, you confirmed it was indeed a kiss. You stole a kiss.
 
 
Those three nights and four days were full of revelation.
 
You were the gift and the hero that was sent my way to prevent me from shattering due to other things unraveling in my life at that point in time.
 
You were the sunshine, the constant companion, the glue that made sure I was standing on my feet when the going gets tough. You were the laughter, the shock absorber, the patient listener, the warm arms that accompany me all the way through my darkest and lowest. You were the flicker, the reminder, the joy I carried in my heart. Until one day, you revealed to me, that while you were holding me together, you yourself was falling apart. I never knew. Was I so blinded with my own world of misery that I failed to see the hurt you were bearing because of me? How could have I missed the sorrow in your posts? I thought you were happy. I knew you were but my presence in your life was also a double dagger that cuts through your soul.
 
And then you left. I was extremely puzzled and hurt all at the same time. I tried to be understanding. I thought it was just one of those days when you just need a few days away but the days turned into weeks and merged into months. I missed you miserably. I have to stop myself from constantly bothering you because you never get back to me.
 
I was crying for weeks. Then I stopped and convinced myself you were completely gone from my life. That I should now get up and start moving forward because you have done the same thing already.  That eventually, I will forget you. But the thing is, I still fall apart every once in a while thinking about how we ended up like this. The loss of your presence in my daily existence was so real and so raw. It’s only been two years but you have become very much a part of me that during the first few weeks even until now,  it was impossible to wake up without you as the first thought in my weary head.

the beginning of the end

to admit that something beautiful has come to an end is in itself a start of something new.

but before all the darkness dissipate, before sensing the arrival of the new day, before clearing your head, before feeling like you've come back from the dead...before all these, is the lonely, cold uncertain path you've got to take...it's a scary place to be. the unknown, the hurt, the thoughts that linger in your head, the questions, the anticipation of answers you didn't want to hear. all of these shake your entire being. this journey can push you to near-insanity. it robs you of sleep, fills your head with grief, leaves your heart in pieces. you wonder how you managed to get up this morning. everything hurts. you go on like this for weeks. everyday is a blur. you don't remember what transpired at work. you're barely aware of your surroundings. you don't notice your hunger and you neglect everybody else in your life. you feel trapped, and the end of your road.

eventually, someone that genuinely care for your well-being finally shook you, pinched you, and sat you down. they gave you a litany of reasons why it's not good for you to linger in this state of being. you heard everything. all of it made perfect sense. but that's all you did. you heard. their intervention did not wipe the tears, it didn't ease the pain. it didn't sew the pieces of your broken heart and dreams back together. all it did was temporarily ease the soul deep pain, no one fully understood what you are going through.

you cling to the hurt because you knew no other way to deal. you cried til you can't anymore. and your friends gather around you once more. this time they didn't say anything. they picked you up from your bed and hugged you. once more all the emotions came flooding.

next thing you know, you felt light. you slept more than three hours that night. you woke up like something was lifted off your chest. the sun seemed brighter, the day lighter. you were more alert, you walked with bounce and you noticed people around you on your way to work.

there will be good days like this and there will be bad. so bad you feel like you're back where you were weeks before. you MUST remind yourself you don't want to go back to that state no matter how tempting and easy it is to slip back. you must accept that you can't always have what you want and move on. and moving on is a process, it will never happen over night or over 10 shots of vodka.

you must know that it is OK to mourn and grieve the end of something beautiful. but you MUST always remember that it is a phase that you have to get through first. you must unload yourself with the darkness, the hate, the questions, the frustrations, the regrets. this way you'll have room in your life and in your heart to let something better and more beautiful come in and stay for good.